Candid

So I was thinking this morning about how it has been forever since I've updated my blog. I have lots of thoughts and themes mulling around in my head, but none of them are formed enough to be articulated here yet. And I don't have a lot of cool pictures of things we've done. To be honest, my days look like this: wake up, pack David's lunch, quiet time, clean/get dinner started/run errands/get ready, go to work, come home from work, eat dinner, clean up from dinner, go to sleep. Repeat. I've also been thinking about how we often portray our best selves on social media. Who has an instagram that doesn't make them look cool? What kind of message does that send about our lives? I also was really encouraged at our women's retreat last weekend about the fact that I don't have to have it all together. You can ask my mom, my husband, and my college roommates and I think they would all agree on the same thing. I desperately want to have my ducks in a row at all times - but I fail. Some people are capable of keeping a neat home, organized planner, and a well stocked freezer. Other people have embraced the fact that such a lifestyle is not for them - and they live happily in the chaos. I am sure others of you are in that miserable third category with me - the constant disconnect between what I expect of myself and what I achieve. So in the spirit of honesty, I decided to walk around my apartment at 6:30 this morning taking pictures of what my life is really like at this point in time. No staging involved - just snapshots of what you would actually get if you knocked on my door right now. I may regret this after I actually finish my coffee, but here goes. 

 Here is a dishwasher that I discovered to my dismay this morning is still full of dirty dishes because I forgot to start it two days in a row. (See the detergent pack in the bottom?)

 The leftover crescent rolls served as our vegetable Tuesday night, and they are still sitting by the tray they were cooked on. Don't worry, I spared you a picture of the dishes actually in the sink. 

 My boots are still sitting by the door, ready to be put back on today. The snow is coming back.

 Yup. That is our Christmas tree, still there. There are about five ornaments left, because I had to leave in the middle of packing them up. Yes, those are also our stockings still hanging above the fake fireplace. 

 Clean sheets still sitting in the dryer from  (you guessed it!) two days ago. 

 My attempt at meal planning sits on the fridge, but don't worry, last night we got pizza instead. 

 I am on top of the game by working on next week's preschool lesson before the morning of! But I still left my piles on the table. 

 And this is the quote I can't read enough times, one I found last summer that speaks beautifully to my heart that fights so desperately against the freedom that the Gospel brings. 

And this is where I am in my attempt to read the Bible through in a year. Leviticus. It's not anyone's favorite book. But I'm being renewed day by day, even through the non-romantic passages. I'm amazed as I see God's hand of providence in the lives of his children, and as I realize with awe that from day one his plan was to bring me into the fold. From before the foundation of the world he wrote my name in his book and he sent his only son to be my redeemer. 

I am loving God's Word more than ever. Because let's be honest, some days on the way to work I think about reasons I could quit. I can't love my husband, I can't sit at a computer, I can't continually smile at the same misbehaving kids day after day after day, unless I am dwelling in the truth. And many days I don't dwell in the truth and I do have a bad attitude and I become impatient and I do snap "No you are not really sick, go back to your group!" with a lot less grace than I should. But I know the place where I am refreshed and I can resonate with Deuteronomy 32:47 For it is no empty word for you, but your very life. 

And in the end, when I look around, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude because this is my life. Even the most monotonous and boring and frustrating days are a gift. And what rich rich blessings my Father has lavished upon me. Let us rejoice and be glad, for this is the day that the Lord has made! We have an older brother who has come into our mess and he furiously loves us even then. 

And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel - and God knew.  Exodus 2:24-25

And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing… These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. John 15:4-5;11